Wednesday, August 20, 2014

A Dose of Reality

Tomorrow is change. My Moira goes to kindergarten.  I have been looking forward to this day for a year- when I would only have two kids at home during the day, making errends easier; when I could make a better schedule during the day; when Moira would finally get the stimulation and social life that she has been wanting.

And yet, we both cried tonight.

I held her in my arms and sang her her song (you are my sunshine) and I told her how much I loved her. She cried and said how she would miss me and begged me to come to the bus stop in the morning (usually Kaylon drops off and I pick up, but how could I say no?). She has stayed home with me the longest- the other two went soon after their fifth birthdays, but she has been home over five and a half years. We drove each other crazy sometimes,  but she has been such a big helper as well. I know that she will do well- that she will love it. And I will love going grocery shopping with just two. But I am also filled with the regret of moments lost to my depression, to my fatigue, to my selfishness... I wish I could have, would have done more for her, but I hope it was enough. A fire burns in her... she is so strong and smart and stubborn. ..and loving.

And I'm going to miss her so much.

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