Neglectful

I have neglected my blog as of late- not because nothing has been going on, but perhaps because too much has been. Life is never dull here, even if it is a bit monotonous at times (and yes, both parts of that sentence can be true at the same time).

So I have to make a confession here for all to read. Part of my absence from my blog was due to my erratic-ness from weaning off of the antidepressants I was taking for postpartum depression. I'm not sure why I never posted about it here. In retrospect it was very selfish of me to not share my experiences with others who might be suffering from the disease; who might have needed to make a connection, or not feel alone. But I guess I wasn't really thinking of anyone else during that time.

I was not surprised by my diagnosis- I have been anticipating it after every pregnancy, since my anxiety disorder makes me more susceptible to it. After this pregnancy it got to the point where I no longer wanted to do anything. I took care of my kids' needs, rarely their wants, and I was completely out of energy. My temper was short, tears came often, and even more frequently was the unquenchable need to just run away. I knew something was wrong, but my pride kept me from saying anything until my mother and sister staged an intervention on the phone. It was a relief to hear them tell me what to do- to know that I wasn't just a mean, selfish mommy- to know that someone else knew that something was wrong.

I am grateful that I got help. I am grateful that I had the aid of meds to get me through one of the most stressful times of my life (having my fourth baby, moving, meeting new people, starting a new calling at church, in addition to all the normal day to day stuff). But there's this part of me that never wants to appear weak; never wants to need help. I also feared that someone would say what a small negative voice in the back of my head was telling me- that I just wasn't cut out for having four kids (especially four girls!) and that I was crazy to have tried. I wasn't ready to confront that or fight back against it. And so for the past 8 months or so since I was diagnosed, I allowed myself the comfort of not telling the world, of keeping that secret for myself and a few friends and my family. But as I started to decrease my medication, and then come off them completely, I felt this nagging that I needed to come clean- be completely honest with my small audience here that has always supported me.

I need to say that I am not perfect (course all of you knew that!); and I have weaknesses (again, this is only news to me); and that raising 4 kids while staying married to and happy with the same man is HARD. It is a constant pull on all my resources- physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Sometimes it gets the better of me, but somehow despite that, it always makes me better in the end. I have grown so much in the past year- more than I could have dreamed possible. I have become more patient, more forgiving, more able to see people for who they are, and not who I want them to be. I have given so much of myself, but have received so much more in return. My children love me, in spite of all I have done to mess them up- In fact they love me the most (and Kaylon would back me up on that). They run to me to share their news- good and bad- and jump to my defense in a flash. Violet's biggest grins are saved for me, as are Moira's snuggles. And despite my craziness (literally) my husband still love me, too, and tells me that all the time.

My life is HARD, but my life is GOOD. Maybe my life is good because it is hard- I can perceive the good moments more clearly because they contrast so brightly against the bad. Eight years ago I chose to be a mom, not just a mom, but A Mom, and I do not regret that decision. I am raising conscientious, kind, intelligent members of society, who will hopefully make the world a better place. And while my life is non stop crazy right now, I have a wonderful support system in place that holds me up when my weaknesses break through- my husband, my family, my friends, and especially my Savior, who's love I feel so acutely when I pray.

So now that I have been honest (and I'm no longer feeling like I'm gonna dizzily crawl out of my skin and run around the house 10 times {ie withdrawal}) I will return to my blogging, a better person, and a better mom. And I will try to not wait 8 months to be myself next time.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Moira...

I know I keep coming back to this child, but seriously, I am so scared for her teenage years. This morning she decided that she wasn't going to go to the gym with me. I told her that I couldn't leave her here because then the police would come and take me to jail. I asked her if that's what she wanted. I wasn't surprised when she said, "Yes," but I was taken aback that she continued her response by saying that she wanted me to miss my babies and be sad. Seriously?

I guess I should frame these comments by saying that she does show me a ton of love as well. I am her parent of choice for snuggling. She comes to me when something is wrong or when she's scared at night. When Kaylon stayed home for a day last week, he found it hilarious how we both knew our shared schedule and how she's my little buddy wherever we go. When I'm on her good side she'll give me a huge grin and say, "You're my best mommy EVER!" So I guess she's not a total psychopath...

I just wonder if I'm doing something wrong with her- is she not getting enough attention? Does she feel left out? Am I letting her be too independent? Or is she just 3 and pushing my buttons? Sigh. Just goes to show that every child is different and no matter how many kids you have, each one is training you in a different way.

Sister Love

I often complain (maybe too much) about the whining and fighting in our house- so here's a post dedicated to the sister love and funny moments we have. :)

Yes, this is gross, and Yes, I shouldn't let Violet push on the screen since it could break, but she was belly laughing! So, yes, I let Grace lick Violet through the screen to hear some more of those sweet baby laughs.
What can I say that these giant grins don't already say? It's a party in the pink room!

This is my favorite pose at this age- when they try to look through their legs and see the world upside-down. It's not the best picture, but you don't know how many times I missed the shot before this one- it was really a race to catch her at it! And another standing picture. Grace has been teaching her how to walk with her push toy. So either she's gonna learn real soon, or she's gonna put her foot down and refuse to do anything else. We shall see...

I'll have to get some of Liliana soon- somehow she got left out...